Is That Mule For Sale?

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, ‘Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?’
‘Well,’ Jake replied, ‘The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, ‘Is that mule for sale!?’

computer slaves

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Dreams of animals

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“How can a student pass ??”

Remember those school days !!!
It’s not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days.
Typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep- 130 days GONE. Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing- (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing)-means 30days. Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days. days left 81.
7. Exam days- per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.
10. Movies and functions – at least 2 days. 1 day left.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!
Balance = 0

Heart and Warm Water

After reading this, you now know why TOTO does not drink cold water for the last 30 yrs after playing tennis.
A very good article which takes two minutes to read. I'm sending this to persons I care about...... I hope that you do too ......

This is a very good article. Not only about the warm water after your meal, but about Heart Attacks. The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals, not cold water, maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating.

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It feels nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer . It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
French fries and Burgers are the biggest enemy of Heart health. A coke after that gives more power this demon. Avoid them for your Heart's Health.
Common Symptoms of Heart Attack
A serious note about heart attcks:- You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense Pain in the Jaw line.
You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms.
60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive.

How To Handle Enquiries..........

European Call Centre handles enquiries this way!

British Rail...
Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics...
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
A Knitwear Company in Woven...
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".
A man - making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box - told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".
Operator: "Where are you calling from?"
Caller: "The living room".
RAC (Royal Automobile Club) Motoring Services...
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Computer Capers...
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click' on my notepad"!
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have my file back again?"
Welsh Directory Enquiries...
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Announcements on London Tube!

A list of actual announcements...
that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers:
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see,Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Funny GCSE Questions and answers

The following were collated from last years UK GCSE exam results (16 year olds). GEOGRAPHY
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
SOCIOLOGY
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well-endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
BIOLOGY
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
ENGLISH
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
TECHNOLOGY
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Men at work!

Another problem caused by deforestation

Today I didn’t do it!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes”, he replied reluctantly.
She answered, “We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!”

An Intelligent Lover’s Love Letter

This is a love letter from a boy to a girl….
However, the girl’s father does not like him and want them to stop their
relationship…… and so.. The boy wrote this letter to the girl.
He knows that the girl’s father will definitely read this letter..
1. The great love that I have for you
2. is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3. grows every day. When I see you,
4. I do not even like your face;
5. the one thing that I want to do is to
6. look at other girls. I never wanted to
7. marry you. Our last conversation
8. was very boring and has not
9. made me look forward to seeing you again.
10. You think only of yourself.
11. If we were married, I know that I would find
12. life very difficult, and I would have no
13. pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14. to give, but it is not something that
15. I want to give to you. No one is more
16. foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17. able to care for me and help me.
18. I sincerely want you to understand that
19. I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20. if you think this is the end. Do not try
21. to answer this. Your letters are full of
22. things that do not interest me. You have no
23. true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24. I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25. I am still your boyfriend.”
So bad!!
However, before handing over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to READ BETWEEN THE LINES, meaning-only to read 1,3,5,7,9,11,13,15,17,19,21,23,25 (Odd lines) go read it once again but the Odd Number lines..

Apple's New Transparent Laptops !!!

Have a look at amazing Laptops !!!

Just 18 Rules For Life!!!

Differences Between Desh and Pardesh

IF ANY OF THESE TOUCHES A NERVE....OR IF YOU CAN RELATE TO ANY OF THIS.....ENJOY IT !!!
10. Bhangra
In Desh - A vigorous punjabi festival dance.
In Pardesh - A dance you do at desi parties, when you don't know how to dance.
9.Engineer
In Desh - A person with a respectable job and lots of oopper ki kamai (income from bribes).
In Pardesh - A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will start his own company and be rich.
8.Doctor
In Desh - A respectable person with modest income.
In Pardesh - A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor ki biwi" (doctor's wife).
7.Friend
In Desh - A person whose house you can drop in at any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome.
In Pardesh - A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy.
6.Father
In Desh - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed.
In Pardesh - A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition.
5.Son
In Desh - A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market.
In Pardesh - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn.
4.Daughter
In Desh - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when she leaves home with a man after getting married.
In Pardesh - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears when she leaves home with a man before getting married.
3.Husband
In Desh - A boring person, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings.
In Pardesh - Still boring, but now a useful person that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed.
2.Wife
In Desh - A woman who gives you your underwear and towel when you go to take a shower.
In Pardesh - A woman who yells at you not to leave the tub dirty when you go to take a shower.
1.Mother-in law
In Desh - A women capable of making your life miserable.
In Pardesh - A women you never fight with, because where else will you find such a dedicated baby sitter for free?

Neck Exercises to do at the computer

WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial aeroplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel inadequate too.

Let the Boss go first!

A insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.
In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.
“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Who needs a House?

Why boys need parents? More...